Uninvited Past

Sometimes the past comes back to haunt us every now and then. At times, memories come up that we try to forget and leave by the way side, things that we are perhaps not so proud of.

Just a year ago, I was one emotionally unstable and vulnerable person. I had always felt that in order to be happy, I needed something or someone beyond my self. I always felt a void and I pretended that if I let it linger on, it would be able to heal itself with time.

It hit me hard today that I did a lot of foolish things in my past that I don't commend today - being uncontrollably violent and unyielding to people I claimed to have loved. Although none of my vulnerability and anger was unwarranted because I didn't believe that anyone truly cared for me, I wish that I knew how to communicate my feelings in more effective ways.

Having the past creep its ugly head at me unexpectedly isn't easy but it certainly allows for epiphanies. I am so glad to have realized that I have grown so much within this past year that the person I was in the past is almost foreign to me now.

I am so grateful for everything I have now. I am so fortunate to have realized that my own independent being is capable of achieving a sense of security and happiness. I have found so much joy and inner peace contributing my time and energy into worthy and meaningful things - from finding joy in class, getting to know friends more, running the lake again, to spending time training with my dragon boat team. Even more grateful am I to have found an extra exponential amount of happiness from being with someone who feels just as confident and content being independent himself.

Thank you for bringing out the best in me for those that have been close to me this past year. I'm not going anywhere but UP from here on =)